On Death and Dying

Shout out to Elisabeth Kubler Ross and the many college lectures on death and dying.

When the occasion arises (which happens to be three in the last three months and counting...) all I think about are the five stages to death and dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Because of these numerous lectures, I can pick out when I am feeling which stage of death and dying. Although I act as the rock and try to be there for my family, I am human and eventually feel all of the feels (mostly silently and privately). Of the recent funerals, I have never felt the bargaining aspect, not to say it will come later in life. At first notice I was definitely feeling denial. They were traveling down to Florida when it happened (didn't even make it home) and I am used to not seeing them until next summer. Later that day, after work I felt a short bout of depression because I felt really alone. My husband went fishing to grieve and I was left to sit at home alone it was really depressing. Up until the viewing, I went through a lot of unexplainable anger, which I know puts my husband through hell. It bothers me even more when I know that I'm hurting the ones I love when I deal with grief in this way, which in turn makes me even more angry. I had taken up playing Condemned, a horror-zombie-killing video game to take my mind away from reality (I finished the game in three days). Once at the viewing, seeing the body, another spell of depression along with acceptance hit me. Seeing the real, tangible truth made me loose all of my shit. At the end of the depressing three hour viewing, anger hit me like a brick wall again, to which I played more Condemned. Funeral day was an uncontrollable mix of emotions - anger, happy, sadness, relief, happy, sad, happy, and finally a mix of sadness and relief. Getting home after this surreal day I felt very solemn. I couldn't physically go about my regular activities. I laid in bed feeling lifeless. I eventually fell asleep, and that took me away for a bit, but waking up I desperately wanted to hide away in my safe haven of a bookstore. I wanted to surround myself with something that would know me better than my husband does, if it were real, that being words and books. Unfortunately, we don't have a bookstore close enough by us, so I opted to stand in the teeny tiny wal-mart book/ magazine aisle and flip through the colorful pages of comfort food magazines while waiting for take-out comfort food. Here I sit in my dark bedroom, blogging my feelings of the past 5 days away (honestly it feels like its been 2 weeks) and I've tried writing this down before, but it's so hard yet so easy at the same time (that makes no sense).

Basically, I filter between anger and depression, thanks Elisabeth Kubler Ross!