Back2School Prep Anxiety

Social anxiety strikes again! Naturally, I am pulling together last minute school preparation, including clothes shopping for my internship. A "normal" person would probably be ecstatic about going shopping, and don't get me wrong I really do like shopping and browsing just from the comfort of my own house... This is probably the epitome of my antisocialness.

Today, I went to our teeny, tiny local mall in hopes to find something decent. There are about five stores for me to shop from in hopes of finding nice, work-worthy clothes for a good price. Here's the run down of my social anxiety mixed with shopping...

First place I went was old navy, I tend to find good deals and clothes that I'm looking for on the sale rack for really cheap. I walked in browsed the original prices items, slowly making my way to the back. When I get there, my brain goes blank, I don't remember what I'm doing because there is someone else standing in the section I need to browse through. I walked about looking at other things to clear my mind and decided to look else where until I could come back.

Next was The Bon Ton. This past spring I needed business attire for meetings I had in Albany for my school's research project and was able to find decent clothes here. The thing about this store that nerves me is that I don't understand where a 21 year old fits into their layout. The "mom" clothes are mixed in with the older lady attire and it confuses the crap out of me. I always walk the loop of this store scanning the contents of racks from a "safe distance" until I see something that might be appropriate for a young, professional look. No such luck today...

We have a Maurices, which does have a nice selection of the young, professional look that I am going for, but I ended up passing that one up because it intimidates me way too much (no particular reason - anxiety) plus I know they're high priced and not worth it. So, i moved right along to American Eagle, which was my go to place in high school and I have found decent tops that could be pulled off as professional. Styles sure have changed in the three years that I have been out of high school. I couldn't even causally browse my way to the back. I did the I'm-too-cheap-walk-of-shame to the sale rack, that ended up having nothing of interest to me.

My last stop was JcPenny's, where again I use my tactic of looking over the racks, but ending up confused with age group these clothes were targeting. I was feeling nervous and dissappointed so I left the mall empty handed (I didn't even walk into the game store!).

I did, however, stumble upon an online consignment shop for adults, and I found some really great deals that I'm super excited about.  I was really impressed with the website itself - thredup.com. As soon as the package comes in I intend on doing a full on review of this website's service.

Married with Commitment Issues?

I found it ironic (during one of my morning YouTube video and tea binges) one of my favorite YouTubers brought up the topic of commitment during her vlogging session. In a nut shell, she mentioned she was acknowledging how consistent she has been doing up vlogging and up loading, but wasn't promising a video the next day because she doesn't like to commit to things. While at the same time realizing she is very committed to her husband and child.

Basically, this topic has been on my mind for a few day because first, I have been trying hard to post on my blog everyday like I wanted to when I started blogging for a hobby at the beginning of summer and.. I HAVE OFFICIALLY BLOGGED EVERYDAY FOR 1 WEEK STRAIGHT. I know this may seem like a minor accomplishment, but this is huge for me and it takes me to where my brain went next on this commitment topic... Hello my name is Katie and I am a giver-uper. When I get a little stumped on something I just immediately give up. I admit there were nights this week that I got home late from work, I was tired, and had nothing on my mind I wanted to blog about, but I figured something out anyways. I hate committing to preordering books and music because it makes me anxious, how am I going to know that I will like the whole book or music?! I have to look/listen before I decided to spend money on it.  Finally, yes, I realize (like my Youtube-internet friend) even though I have commitment issues, I am VERY committed to my husband and love him dearly. Despite my insecurities, me marrying him makes me more comfortable than anxious, but this is due to a different 'Katie-ism' (as I like to call my little quirks).

I really like this evening wind down routine, ending with blogging, i got into this week.It calms me and I am officially challenging myself to (not commit to) continue to find some little bit in my life to reflect on and blog about. It's like a little time capsule :)

The Fault in our Stars

I read The Fault in our Stars at the beginning of the summer on vacation because I knew the movie was out soon, and I actually got around to seeing it in the theater before it was gone (normally I forget and then the movies I'm most anxious to see are gone). Anyways, ultimately my first reaction was; Augustus Waters is the Edward Cullen in this movie, which was kind of disappointing to my book imagination because I remember I picturing Augustus as a proper British boy. I know weird minor thought, but when you read the book before seeing the movie (or most of it like me) then you tend to notice the book to movie differences. Now, I know it’s not just me because the scheduled post movie fix your make up in the bathroom and complain session concludes my theories on the differences becoming blatantly obvious. Despite noticing these differences, my overall opinion of the film are that it was fantastically executed from the book – all of the important emotional parts were emphasized, which is what I think won over the crowd emotionally. I have to say that my favorite part was the scene of Hazel climbing the Anne Frank Museum stairs with the quotes from Anne’s book in the background, pointing out the parallelism between the pain Anne faced in the attic and Hazels physical pain. That scene was absolutely perfect!

I would rate this film with a 4 out of a 5 only for my personal opinion, and the reason why I held off for so long to post my personal feelings on the interweb... It is obvious the targeted audience for this film it tween/ teens, and from what I have read on the internet, often kids of this particular age group tend to think that puberty and adolescents is the end of the world. What makes this film even more depressing and emotional, in my eyes, is that it's a film that teens are going to fall in love with watching characters close in age they can relate to relationship wise and can admire/ look up to... until they die at a young age. Augustus die so young before his life even really gets to start. Now, I don't fault John Green (the author) it is an amazing book turned into an amazing movie, and I know there are different messages you could pull away from this, but my only change would be to give young kids a message that life does get better as you grow past the hard years of adolescence.

Cheers to the end of Summer!

It is official. Summer is over. I can physically see on my work schedule the change to accommodate the craziness of the upcoming semester. With one week till my senior year of my undergrad career coming fast, I am often asked (the usual question from family members and adults in general because they all think they’re so clever) if I am excited and ready/ prepared for the school year. **Face-palm** I really hate getting this question. Here is why… 1) Am I excited? Meh, I am going to be busy as hell working 40+ hours on top of being a full time student and extracurricular activities. HOWEVER there is one up-side, at my internship I will actually get to practice what I am taught in the classroom, so that will be refreshing. 2) Ready/ Prepared? Yes, I physically have my textbooks, paper, and pens, but how have begun to prepare myself for the school schedule? Oh, I stay up late on social media and play video game to early in the morning and sleep in until noon. That’s good Katie considering you have to be awake at 6am for most of the days and not be done until 10pm….cool.

Basically, I loved summer and got to do so many of my favorite activities, but I just am not quite ready to give it up yet. I feels like fall already, school is starting, and it is going to be a rough transition. Alas, it is time to come back to reality and be a responsible adult again

My Interpretation on the Internet

I live in a cyber land. The only thing outsiders looking in see are a zombie-eyed girl laying on the couch with a laptop three inches from her face. The best way to get her attention is to break the physical connection between human and machine. What these outsiders don’t understand is, this Cyberland is her safe haven. Morning and evening laptop time take her away from the real world for a couple of hours. In other words, the internet is her hobby. While some may take up knitting, crafting, hunting, or fishing; others find solace in social media. An outsider sees an introvert in its natural habitat, hiding behind the computer. Said “introvert” sees Cyberland as the opportunity to be whoever they aspire to be. Cyberlanders are more accepting to what may not be considered the “norm.” The community within Cyberland is not one just anyone can understand. Magical things happen within Cyberland and beyond – dreams and friendships galore, and outsiders do not have the capability to see this magic. Cyberland is to Diagon Alley as Outsiders are to Muggles. Outsiders are too blind to see the magic and accept what is going on behind the screens of Cyberland.
That is all :)

SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS/ ANXIETY

To whom it may concern,
My name is Katie and I have self-diagnosed myself with social anxiety. Come college years I have realized how bad it actually is. I can’t remember much of middle school as I have chosen to repress those horribly embarrassing memories. However, once I got myself in a nice comfortable friend group, high school was okay within this close niche where my weirdness was accepted. It wasn’t until college that I really felt my social anxiety sink in. I WAS NO LONGER IN MY COMFORT ZONE, and that TERRIFIED me. i chose to hang out off campus with someone I was more comfortable, but it with lead me to marrying the man I adore today. So, I can’t really complain about my utterly horrid college experience it really was my own fault. Due to the fact that I either spent most of my time in class or texting, skyping, and hanging out with him; I missed out on a huge part of “the college experience.” I like casual drinking, but the whole bar and party scene just wasn’t for me and as far as college guys go, I did give it a go, but they were weird and made me super anxious (go figure). Here I am today, three years into my college career on summer vacation and I'm contemplating my social anxiety.
From,
the thoughts and the feels

Dear freshmen, 18 year old self,
I would really encourage you to, not change, but find a constructive way to get over your social anxiety and awkwardness, such as I (future self) have now, through my words on this pointless blog, and remember to always finding a positive even when your situation may seem in the absolute dumps.
Love,
Future self

To whom it may concern,
If you too are suffering a similar situation of social anxiety that is leading you down a path of isolation, I challenging you to find a creative outlet like I have with casual writing, and to embrace your awkwardness.

(ON A LESS SERIOUS NOTE) If your parents are challenging you to get off the computer and get some fresh air, get in your car (if you can drive/ have a car or just walk), roll down your window, and surround yourself within your music (blare your headphones). This way you are getting the fresh air your parents are requesting while being in the comfort of your own space. If your parents are desperate enough to get you out of the house, you can bribe them with money and that way the gas you’re wasting is paid for by the parental units.
YOU’RE WELCOME :)

Who am I?

"I don't know" is the easiest way to describe myself in three words. High school seemed as though it was all about survival and fitting in, and now that I have successfully graduated. I have also distanced myself from just about anything and everyone associated with high school in the past three years. I am feeling more confident in discovering who I actually am. Now, I've noticed I say the phrase, "I don't know" more times during the day that I can count and I say it because I really just don't have a clue about life sometimes. To be quite honest with my self, I have various passions that make me happy... writing, blogging, YouTube, video games. Not many people are even aware of my hobbies. I'm kind of too scared to fully open up to the people closest to me in fear of what they will say or how they will judge me.

If there is anyone else is out there reading this feeling as though they are in a similar situation, sitting in limbo trying to figure out your happiness and need a friend for reinforcement or to wallow in self pity with, we can work it out together!